A part of me feels I was just released from a beautiful sanctuary. Another part of me feels like I just walked through the gates of a prison, into the warm and blinding sun. My mind and emotions are completely torn, shattered between appreciation and exhaustion. Deep in my mind I know that this experience was wonderfully beneficial. My ping pong brain is having a hard time seeing the real benefit like it’s just out of reach. I know I’m supposed to feel hyper aware and deeply connected to my unconsciousness and I do but the term tip of the iceberg hovers like a lazy grey cloud. It’s not threatening any storm but it is blocking some of those golden rays from reaching me and the earth under my feet. I want those golden rays damnit!
Let’s back up. I just completed my first Vipassana meditation retreat. It has been a goal of mine to do one of these 10 day retreat for the last 6 months of my wanderings. It never had to be a Vipassana course; there are countless techniques in meditation. By luck of the draw I looked on Dhamma.org at the right time and saw that there was to be a course that worked perfectly with my schedule in Nepal. I quickly applied while I was in Bangkok and was accepted the next day. “Ok… I’m actually doing this. Shit, what did I just agree to put myself through?”
Let’s back up farther. I began dabbling in meditation 8 months ago after watching a TEDTalk by Andy Puddicombe. He was an average UK university student when a number of tragic and equally traumatic events unfolded in front of him. Without finding a way to cope with the onslaught of emotions in conventional ways, Andy chose to quit university and move to the Himalaya to ordain as a Buddhist monk. Some might say extreme but it makes a great story. After ten years of dedicating himself to meditation he was encouraged by his master to return to the west and offer what he had learned to help others. After his ten years of monkhood his only other option was ordaining permanently for life. After some time, a semi-ironical meditation smartphone app was produced called Headspace. I’ve heard tons of criticism about this and the other few apps available today. Mark my words people, meditation and mindfulness is going to travel a similar same path that western yoga has gone down in the last 10-15 years.
So Headspace started it all for me. I began with a simple ten minutes every morning. I won’t sugar coat it. Sitting down, trying to focus my pinball brain to just think about my breath was extremely difficult. Along with the practice comes purposeful non judgement, thank god. Some sittings I’m thinking about to-do lists 95% of the time and that’s ok. It’s the actual practice that is important. I worked up from there to 20 minutes in the morning. Then to another 20 minutes in the afternoon/evening which proved to be much harder and more piecemeal. I started seeing progress. I felt better. I was sharper. I smiled more. A had a positivity about daily bullshit that I hadn’t seen for a while. No night and day transformation but I started noticing things. I could stay on task longer. Emotional triggers were kept in check a bit more. My brain stayed tuned into conversations without wandering so much.
I began making some small attempts to talk to those close to me about what I was experiencing. No dice. Not a single person had time in their day for ten minutes. Not one. Other’s seemed to automatically label it as new-agey and a fad. It didn’t sway me. I soon found out how many influential and important people in our society have been practicing mediation daily for years and name it as one of the reasons for their continued success and steady performance at high levels under pressure. These are people like Rupert Murdoch, Russell Simmons, Oprah Winfrey, Arianna Huffington, Clint Eastwood, Ray Dalio (founder and co-CIO of Bridgewater Associates) and my personal two favorites Tim Ferriss and Chase Jarvis. The list is huge. And that’s just a sample. I took comfort in knowing that these highly successful people who were consistently operating in peak performance were crediting some of their success to mindfulness. So my friends and family didn’t take to it like I hoped, oh well, I was still in the company of lots of influential people.
The practice became something that was deeply important to me. Leading up to my trip work was becoming more difficult to show up to for a variety of reasons. A number of relationships were proving more challenging than rewarding. The stress of planning and preparing for such a large event was really beginning to weigh down on my mind. I didn’t handle everything the way I would have liked but I know that without finding time for that 20 to 40 minutes everyday it would have been different. It probably would have been more negative, I would have been more reactionary, emotions would have gotten the better of me or more than they had. And there were days that I missed my practice. Though no exaggeration, there was a difference. The difference alone was enough to keep me at it.
After a long awaited period of searching I found the Vipassana course held on March 15-26 in Lumbini, Nepal. I think a little background here might help clarify this endeavor. Vipassana is the technique taught by the Buddha, Siddhartha Gautama. It was his path to become enlightened. After his death the technique was all but lost in India, the stronghold for his teachings. Monks in Burma (Myanmar) held on to the tradition and for 2000+ years and it remained in incubation before it was reintroduced back into the world. My teacher, S.N. Goenka is the man responsible for spreading the teaching of Vipassana, just at the Buddha taught to India. He passed in 2013 so I sat with an assistant teacher that was appointed by Goenka before he died and was able to listen to seminars from Goenka in the evenings through video recordings.
That’s a super brief explanation but it’s super interesting if anyone wants to look into it more. I think it’s important to just say right now that the course, the teachings of Goenka is all nonsectarian, pragmatic and non discriminatory to anyone person looking to pursue mindfulness. Goenka and even the Buddha wanted to it to be used as a tool to end suffering for all people, no matter race, religion, sexuality or political views.
Back to the retreat. After one very long over night bus from Kathmandu to Lumbini I arrive at the center. Lumbini is the birthplace of the Buddha so the religious and cultural significance does have a striking effect on the surrounding area. All of the countries from Asia with Buddhist influence have temples, monuments, headquarters, public lands and military presence. Yes, everyone wants to own the land where he was born. Ring any bells?
I checked in, was asked to turn my stuff over and sign a paper saying that the volunteers were allowed to keep my passport until the course reached its completion. They said that they required all valuables be kept in the locked office to prevent any theft but this also included anything sensorily stimulating. All reading material, writing material, any and all electronics, and anything else they deemed distracting. Basically they want you to have no escape from your mind and whatever may changes that might come… if you do the work. I knew what that meant. The compound covering no more than 2-3 acres was completely walled in and a large iron gate was the only entrance and exit. That evening before the first sitting began I walked past that gate and sure enough there was a large iron lock very fittingly attached and secured to the black iron gate.
Welcome to prison.
That was the moment it hit me that I just voluntarily entered 10 days of something I was completely unsure that I was ready for. Ya, I’d been practicing. Solo traveling taught me time and time again that I’m up for far bigger challenges in life than I give myself credit for and my self determination had skyrocketed since October 2015. There wasn’t an option to turn back now so I had to learn some acceptance. I know nothing of meditation. I have everything to gain.
“If your mind is empty, it is ready for anything. In the beginner’s mind there are many possibilities; in the expert’s mind there are few.” – Shunryu Suzuki
Part 2 to come…
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